Lately, I've been learning that so many things in life don't live up to your expectations of them. It's not always easy to be happy on average types of days where there isn't much going on but an overflowing laundry basket and an entire anatomy and physiology book waiting to be completed before August--The days where nothing tragic happens, but nothing especially exciting does either; when thoughts grow stale from being tossed around in your head for too long and you just can't seem to find a song to listen to that doesn't rub you the wrong way or make you depressed.
At the end of a day like this, I usually end up at the piano. Somehow, I can always manage to find a way to vent through music, and sometimes maybe even discover some new melody or set of verses that I couldn't find before. If I'm not in a completely uncooperative mood, I can usually allow myself to get caught up in the music and by 2am or so, my slow, monotonous day is forgotten and I'm not nearly as gloomy.
There are the days when even the piano doesn't help to remove the little cloud though, and then I pray. It's funny, how that's a last resort, isn't it? But I guess God probably gets a lot of last resort prayers, because they seem to be not uncommon things..in my life anyway.
Fortunately, today wasn't one of those days, and tonight I got to go to adoration, something I used to find long and rather unenjoyable until Steubenville retreats completely changed my idea of it. Thanks to them, I now am able to view it as what it truly is--complete closeness to God, the chance to be in His presence, uninterrupted and unfettered-- and enjoy every minute of it. Tonight, I prayed for a while, but I seem to have a problem listening to God when I pray...I do most of the talking, so I decided to read the Bible, thinking maybe the things God wanted to say would be put more clearly in front of my face there.
While I did not find the clear-cut message I was hoping for--something along the lines of, "You will build houses for starving orphans in the Congo and marry a tribal warrior you will fall in love with there." (ok, that's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but some straightforwardness would have been nice), I did find a chapter in Sirach that I really liked. It's labeled 'Joy and Miseries of Life' and had a lot of nice, proverbial-sounding advice on the important things in life. My favorite verse was 27...
"The fear of God is a paradise of blessings; it's canopy, all that is glorious" (Sirach 40:27)
When I first read it, I admired the wording for it's musicality--paradise and canopy are so visually descriptive...It wasn't until later that I began thinking more deeply about it's meaning, and how it applies to my life. The concept of blessings coming in fear is somewhat foreign to me. Probably, this isn't even what the verse meant; When it refers to 'fear of God' it most likely means respect and appreciation for Him as our Creator and Redeemer. But still, the usage of the word 'fear' sparked a something in my brain and reminded me of a song I've been hearing on the radio recently. It's called 'Blessings' and is by an artist I didn't know of until lately, named Laura Story.
'Cause what if your Blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you're near
What if trials in this life
Are your mercies in disguise?'
In the chorus, she too suggests the idea of blessings through pain, of knowing the love of God only most fully through the completeness of life: the unhappy moments along with the joy.
Unfortunately, I don't have anything especially profound of my own to add to this, but it did strike me after reading this verse and listening to this song a few times tonight, that maybe even the little trials, the agonizingly slow days, the lack of clarity in my life----maybe all of it has a purpose. Maybe all of these things...are Blessings.
